a bit of birthday brooding
November 20, 2011 § 7 Comments
Three decades, two years, and a couple of weeks ago, I was born. A special occasion? Indeed, it was Halloween! Regrettably, Halloween is a scary time, as was my recent birthday. It was shamefully filled with shameless self-deprecation. Wasn’t it just a year ago when I started this blog, that I entered my champagne birthday, my 31st year on the 31st day of October, ecstatic about the things to come? How could I feel so different after an entire year of much creativity and productivity?
Well, the brooding bellowed on the evening of October 25th, six nights before my birthday. It was perhaps the most exciting day I have had this whole year (of course, second to O.T. proposing). I couldn’t believe that within a year of starting this blog, I have been gifted with so many opportunities to share my crafts ideas with you. That day, after my wee three minutes on TV, I actually stayed at Canadian Living for the remainder of the morning to take a peek behind the scenes of the magazine.
Coincidentally, the craft I designed for the 2012 Valentine’s issue was being photographed that morning and I stayed to watch the magic unfold in the studio. As I witnessed my craft get styled (superbly styled in ways I didn’t imagine nor could afford) and professionally photographed for my first print publication, I forgot about my life. I was in the hustle and bustle of creative people like me.
At noon I drove back to work, feeling a bottomless pit in my stomach knowing that my day-to-day reality is much different, knowing that I would revert back to my cubicle and into the palms of a bully, and knowing that my truest talents are not put to use at my job.
The rest of the day was a blur. But the night came, and I tossed and turned and I cried. Lamented. Bawled my eyes out until the point of no return when no chilled-in-the-fridge-cucumber-serum-depuffing-metal-ball-roller could save my baggy eyes from looking like they were stung by bees.
“How come there are people doing what they love for a living, day in and day out, and how come I’m not one of them?”. It played like a broken tape.
Oh, boo hoo to me.
I kept this glum outlook for a while. Right through my birthday. And up to the recent days.
However, upon closer inspection, so many wonderful things have happened to me in a year! And I know (fully comprehend) that life doesn’t happen overnight, sometimes not over three decades. But life happens as we go from day-to-day. I rest assured that I will do my best not to waste it. If not for the person I am now, then for the little girl born thirty two years ago who never dreamed of spending each and every single day waiting for the day to be able to do something she loves. I’ll do my best for her. And I think I’ve done my best so far. Baby steps!
while I hate to lower myself to someone else’s level, bullies need a taste of their own behavior.No one should be subject to that kind of workplace treatment on a continual basis. Is this person over you in some kind of supervisory position or just a fellow worker? Your place of employment should not be allowing this either. It certainly leaves them open to legal action.
Hi Allison,
Thanks for your message and your support! You’re right, no one should be subject to poor treatment at work on a continual basis. And sometimes poor treatment doesn’t necessarily mean aggressive yelling and pushing around. In my case, the treatment was very underhanded. I have finally had a chance to step back, think it through, and write my full post. I will upload in a few moments. I hope you read it.
I agree with Allison, you shouldn’t have to put up with a bully day after day. When I was in elementary school, I had been bullied for almost a year, and it affected my health leading to depression (and I was only ten!). Please don’t let a bully get you down, either take legal steps or look for other ways of help. Hugs to you!
Hi Anke,
It is awful that a child can be the subject of a bully for an entire school year! I hope things get better from here. Thanks for your support! 
I’m going to post my story now.
I’m so sorry to hear about your experiences when you were young!
Thanks for your kind words. I’m 35 now, so this experience is a loooong time ago
Somehow it strengthened me, though (but this shouldn’t in any way excuse a bully!). I’m an extremely sensitive person, and I turned out to be a private teacher – often I’m a counselor for my students, some of which are being bullied as well. You see, life seems to have a plan for us.
From your perspective it may look like baby steps but when I look at your blog, that little peek you give us of your life, I see giant steps. I’ve thought from the beginning that this girl has the world by the tail. I have an idea that when you are married and not totally depending on yourself for the rent and groceries, you will have the freedom to fly. Your idol, Martha started with a dollar just like everyone else but she had a dream and so do you. Starving artists are pretty cold and hungry in the real world and the need to keep the wolf away from the door can be very distracting. You are making contacts and often it is, like the old adage says, not what you know but who you know. You will get your shot so just wipe the tears out of your eyes so that you can see it when it comes. God bless you!
Hi Gayla,
Thanks for reminding me. Sometimes, I feel like — what have I done in 32 years? How come I’ve tried so hard to do what I love and I still don’t do what I love everyday? I often wonder why I was born a creative person. I sometimes feel that my “creative side” is an impairment! LOL. It was tough to turn another year older this year, but you’re right, things are looking up. They’re still better than where I was last year. I hope I’m making steps in the right direction. Thanks so much for your kind words!!